Pay to play
SAGITTARIUS - “You’re ready to take a trip — in the real world or within the realms of your own mind. But first, you must take care of your chores.” = CLEAN THE DAMN HOUSE BEFORE YOU TRIP OUT. I’M NOT SPENDING THE NEXT FOUR HOURS PROTECTING YOU FROM THE SHOES YOU LEFT UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE.
Maybe it's time to see other species
AQUARIUS - “Relationships tend to be confusing for you Aquarians this weekend.” = EVERY DAMN ONE OF YOU KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
There’s a lot of anger, but people don’t know what they’re angry about....– Rep. John Tanner (D-TN), to Nancy Pelosi in August 2009, on the Affordable Care Act. This quote is from Robert Draper’s Do Not Ask What Good We Do: Inside the U.S. House of Representatives. I think there are varying degrees of truth here, depending on 1) where you land on the political spectrum,...
PISCES - “Trying to separate your strong desires from what makes the most sense can be tricky business today. There’s plenty of room for several shades of gray between the black and the white.” = BUT NOT WHEN YOU’RE RESEARCHING FACIAL TATTOOS AS A REWARD FOR PASSING THE BAR EXAM.
Hope you like orange
PISCES - “Today the notion of donating your time or money to a good cause may play on your mind heavily.” = CONVENIENT, AS THAT IS JUST WHAT THE JUDGE ORDERED.
Hope it's not my fault either
TAURUS - “A delay (which is not your fault) will irritate you somewhat and you’ll be angry at comments made about it.” = HEY, MAYBE YOU’RE PREGGO. ON SECOND THOUGHT, THAT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL. TERRIFYING, RATHER. YEAH, TERRIFYING.
The stars say...outcome unclear
GEMINI - “You’ll be able to reap the benefits of an operation which you managed and set up. You’ll be pleased with the results.” = ARE YOU PERFORMING THE OPERATION ON YOURSELF TOO? I’M A LITTLE FUZZY ON THAT PART.
This guy is not far off from how I look, actually
CANCER - “A heated disagreement is likely regarding domestic issues. Deal with this.” = *DESCENDING SUNGLASSES*
Leave it alone
GEMINI - “Misunderstandings are on the cards and these are due to your excessive curiosity but a favorable Moon will help you to clarify things.” = SOME THINGS NEED TO REMAIN A MYSTERY, WOMAN. MY DOWNLOADS FOLDER, FOR INSTANCE. THINGS WE BOTH DO IN THE BATHROOM ALONE. ME AND THE HUB CHANNEL.
Basic life lesson #34
LEO - “An unexpected event will mean you’ll turn up late for an appointment; try to catch up quickly to avoid further delay.” = YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, THINGS HAPPEN, LIFE GOES ON, LET IT GO.
Can't remember what I forgot
SCORPIO - “Due to your partner’s forgetfulness, tonight’s plans go up in smoke but you’ll take the blame.” = UH, WHOOPS, I UH…THIS WAS MEANT FOR GEMINI. SHIT.
If a dream is a wish, you're a sick bastard
CAPRICORN - “You’ll have a dream about your relationship and this will make you agitated. Don’t take any notice of this dream.” = I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR TWISTED SUBCONSCIOUS AND REALITY.
AQUARIUS - “You’ll be courteous and helpful to fellow co-workers, making you more popular and a superior will notice and appreciate this.” = YOUR CO-WORKERS TOLD ME THEY LOVE IT WHEN YOU CURTSY IN JORTS. POP ALL YOUR COLLARS FOR BEST RESULTS.
Better call that other Jenny
VIRGO - “You may have felt the squeeze as circumstances tightened their grip over the past couple of months with expressive Mars moving retrograde in your sign.” = AND BY CIRCUMSTANCES, I MEAN PANTS.
I'm thinking some sort of bacon-pretzel mug
LIBRA - “Recent events have deepened your thinking about the meaning of your life. Now, however, you might find yourself less interested in metaphysical growth and more intrigued with the practical application of your ideas.” = SRSLY DUDE, I WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY IF YOU COULD MEANINGFULLY COMBINE BACON, CHEESE, PRETZELS AND BEER INTO A ONE-HANDED DELIVERY SYSTEM TO MY MOUTH.
Something about underpants
SAGITTARIUS - “You may have grown discouraged over these last couple of months with assertive Mars retrograding in your 10th House of Career. You had no idea that it would take so long to accomplish your career goals.” = TURNS OUT YOUR THREE-STEP PLAN TO SUCCESS NEEDS MORE THAN ‘???’ BETWEEN STEPS ONE AND THREE.
Have you learned nothing?
CAPRICORN - “You set your sights on the horizon months ago, but you still haven’t been able to find the right path that would lead you to your destination.” = YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LEFT AT ALBUQUERQUE.
Hospital patients waiting in an emergency room or convalescing after surgery are...– The New York Times, “Debt Collector Is Faulted for Tough Tactics at Hospitals.” I’m just wondering what kind of person is okay with this to the point that they still oppose healthcare reform laws that might help prevent this sort of bullshit. Also: there are some disgusting human beings out there...
Anything else you want me to clear up?
AQUARIUS - “You have been drawn deeper into emotional issues than you normally prefer, but the intensity of the past few months taught you a lot about your own feelings and human nature.” = HUMAN NATURE SUCKS, AND YOU FEEL THAT PEOPLE ARE DUMBASSES AND YOU HATE THEM. THERE. SORTED.
Clients From Hell: Join the Launch of The World’s... →
clientsfromhell: Editor’s note: I love contributor’s anecdotes about their humorous client interactions. Judging from our growing list of followers, you do to. But I don’t enjoy hearing about all the unpaid bills, shady practices, and downright immoral behaviour most of our readership has to deal with to make…
PISCES - “You may have faced delays and setbacks on the road to relationship satisfaction. There’s work to do if you want to make the most of all the opportunities ahead.” = ALL THE SEXPORNTUNITIES — ALL THE PORNINTUNI — ALL THE SEXYTUN — GODDAMMIT. HAVE SEX WITH ME TONIGHT, OKAY?
Right? I do, right?
ARIES - “Today you should give some attention to those around you who have been wanting your company. You will be very glad you focused on them at the end of the day, as you will realize how much they mean to you.” = ME. I MEAN ME. I MEAN A LOT TO YOU, REMEMBER?
Like talking to your mother
TAURUS - “Today, you do not seem to have any help forthcoming from friends or colleagues. Any advice that they give you seems useless.” = I’M JUST REPEATING WHAT YOU TOLD ME YESTERDAY. WHY DO YOU EVEN READ THIS DAMN THING IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE IT?
Hold on, let me get my camera
CANCER - “You may be feeling highly motivated to move on with what others may consider impossible dreams and turn them into reality. Do not let Impossibility stop you.” = OR WALLS, OR PHYSICS, OR SOME INHERENT INABILITY TO MEASURE. JUST HIT THE RAMP HARD AND YOU’LL BE FINE.
Do it again
LEO - “Today you will need to work on expressing yourself more clearly. You are full of bright ideas but the value of those ideas is getting lost in translation.” = TRY OPENING YOUR MOUTH MORE AND MOVING YOUR LIPS. OH. OH YEAH. JUST LIKE THAT.
LIBRA - “A long-standing legal battle, which may have been the source of a lot of worry and anxiety for you, will finally be concluded in your favor.” = I’M NEVER GOING TO LET YOU FORGET IT THOUGH. THAT YAPPY LITTLE THING FLEW LIKE, A MILE.
Works every time
LEO - “If you’re smart, you’ll let someone you trust show you how you can keep any tricky situations from getting too messy.” = IT’S CALLED THE BEND AND SNAP.
Float like a Fluttershy
CANCER - “If you end up getting into conflicts with a few difficult people today, just try to resolve things the best you can.” = JUST REMEMBER; FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC.
Remember, they're professionals
LEO - “If you have been struggling with financial issues since mid-January, your tenacity may finally begin to pay off now. However, recent decisions might be creating problems in the present moment.” - I REALIZE THE MYTHBUSTERS HAVE A WAREHOUSE OF RANDOM SHIT FOR BLOWING-UP PURPOSES, BUT YOU DON’T NEED ONE TOO. STEP AWAY FROM THE EBAY.
No way that's a romanti---WAIT A MINUTE
CANCER - “You may feel as if you’re repeating yourself again and again, but your personal Groundhog Day will quickly fade into the past. The message you have been trying to get across is finally beginning to sink in.” = WHO DOESN’T LOVE BILL MURRAY? I MEAN, REALLY. I COULD WATCH THAT MOVIE AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
Throwing things at me is poor negotiation tactics
GEMINI - “It hasn’t been easy to get your way in domestic issues. However, your recently blocked efforts will soon be rewarded if you continue to concentrate on personal matters.” = SOME THINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SANDWICHES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
And that's how these things happen
TAURUS - “You have retreated as far as you can. Now, it’s time to steady your aim and carefully release your arrow of intention.” = STRAIGHT INTO THE KNEE OF SOME ADVENTURER.
Just keepin' it realz
ARIES - “Your goals may seem unattainable now, but this is no time to doubt your ability to succeed. Keep the faith; you are closer to your destination than you realize.” = ESPECIALLY IF YOUR DESTINATION IS A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY.
Wheaton might even notice
GEMINI - “A few friends will be expecting an awful lot of your time today. Just realize that your efforts right now will end up leading to some real rewards for you later on down the line.” = NO, SERIOUSLY. JUST WEAR THE DRUNK HULK COSTUME FOR THE REST OF THE CONVENTION, AND SOON YOU’LL BE INTERNET FAMOUS.
I've seen their face-tentacles
TAURUS - “If you’re feeling pretty sociable today, it’ll be a great time for you to get out and have a little fun with some old friends. And you should really try to think about how some of your social connections can help you accomplish some of your goals right now.” = AS OPPOSED TO YOUR ‘NEW’ FRIENDS, WHO ARE HORRIBLE, LIFE-SUCKING HARPIES INTENT ON...
Why can't you get drunk and cook, like Mom?
ARIES - “You won’t really be thinking all that clearly today, and you’re bound to be coming up with some rather impractical ideas where your money is concerned. But someone you trust should be able to help you avoid any unwise financial situations right now.” = YOU KNOW WHAT CAN GET IN THE WAY OF THINKING CLEARLY? HALF A BOTTLE OF CROWN ROYAL. I’M PUTTING YOUR WALLET WHERE...
Delicate spicy flower
PISCES - “You’ll be very selfish but you must be careful to not do anything which could harm the self love of your loved one.” = MY SELF LOVE IS FRAGILE. IT REQUIRES A GENTLE TOUCH AND MUCH NURTURING. AND NACHOS, IT REALLY WANTS NACHOS.
Yeaaaahhh, that would be greeeeaaaat.
CAPRICORN - “You’ll want to do things your way, you won’t accept any advice and you could hurt a despotic colleague.” = SO PRETTY MUCH YOU SHOULD BE IN MANAGEMENT.
I'll make my own copy
SAGITTARIUS - “You’ll be charismatic, energetic and charming and eventually, because of this, you will be given a difficult project to carry out which you will do well.” = YOU DISTRACT WHEATON, AND I’LL GET THE LOCK OF HAIR. GOT IT? OKAY, BREAK.
Clearly we are not simpatico
SCORPIO - “You’ll feel terrified by your loved one’s provocations in front of your friends. You hate things like this and will react really badly.” = CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. EXPLAIN TO THE CLASS WHAT YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY SOCIALISM IS DESTROYING THE COUNTRY? I WANT TO SEE IF YOU CAN EMPLOY ACTUAL LOGIC OR IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO QUOTE TALKING HEADS.
What did you do to piss of Venus?
LIBRA - “Venus is not favorable so you can expect tension in your relationship, due to your excessive obstinacy.” = THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID IT. EXCESSIVE.
You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react?...– an excerpt from Phaedra Starling’s “Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced” (via lostgrrrls) HOLY FUCK THE TRUTH. Can every one of my male followers read this? And please, before you get defensive (“I would never rape anyone!”) keep in mind, women...
Time for the earplugs
VIRGO - “Everything will go well - no need to complain.” = DO YOU HEAR THE MYSTICAL POWERS OF THE STARS?? SHUT. UP.
A bit longer than one night
LEO - “Your beloved will do all he or she can to help with your everyday problems and will suggest an evening out for you to forget your worries.” = NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU SHOULD COME TO A CON WITH ME. IT’S A BLAST. YOU COULD PLAY THE NORMAL ONE FOR A CHANGE.
Crew or tube?
CANCER - “If you want your relationship to improve, you shouldn’t always give in to his or her whims. Let your beloved realize you have other interests.” = YOU DON’T HAVE TO COME WITH ME TO THE STORE, I JUST NEED SOCKS. NO, I DON’T WANT HELP PICKING THEM OUT. I’M A GODDAMN GROWN MAN. READ A BOOK.
Double dog dare ya
GEMINI - “Try not to have a heated argument with your loved one. Be conciliating.” = JUST TRY. I WANT TO SEE IF IT IS EVEN POSSIBLE.
I saw this coming
TAURUS - “You’ll be very ingenious and will act responsibly for the development of a new project which will take up a lot of your time.” = YOU GOTTA WORK LATE AGAIN? AW, MAN. I GUESS IT’S JUST ME AND SKYRIM.
Managing isn't much better
ARIES - “You’ll have to make an effort and work hard if you want to change your life and grow professionally. Avoid arguing with bosses.” = THEN AGAIN, YOU WORK AT A GAS STATION. HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO GROW IN THIS PROFESSION?